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shouldhaveknown

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i am going to miss her so so much... [Nov. 16th, 2005|04:41 pm]
shouldhaveknown
[Current Mood |anxiousanxious]
[Current Music |leaving on a jet plane - ani difranco]



i miss her already.
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to forgive [Oct. 28th, 2005|08:46 pm]
shouldhaveknown
[Current Music |"amazing grace" ala ani difranco]

rose rose rose rose
will i ever see thee wed
i will marry yes i will, sir
sir, yes i will
ding dong ding dong
wedding bells
on an april morn
carve thy name on a moss covered stone
on a moss covered stone

rosie called me yesterday. i was in krogers and she called me to see if i was home. i said no, i'm walking around with ameya and the family at krogers. but i knew something was wrong because rose never comes looking for me unless she really needs to talk. and i asked her what was wrong. and she said that it was about dad. he called her because the bank called him and is forcing him to pay off the nine thousand dollars that she owes on her car, completely and immediately. he told her never to come over, ask for anything, never speak to him again. he doesn't want anything to do with her because she's financially misfortunate. she was married, had a baby, and divorced before nineteen. within a year she had a future and a life and lost it all. and in the process she fell behind on her car payments and it's been a struggle for five years to keep up... and he... hates?... her because of it? aren't parents supposed to love and support their children, through more than just the "good" times? when rose left michael dad and kathy let her move home, i remember where exactly where i was standing and exactly what was said. she said "we love you rose, we'll help you." and here we are, five years later and everything is out in the open... georgene screaming in the background of a hateful voice mail... "you'll never get to go to college now!!" rose talked with me while i walked through the store, as if we were walking through the years on fast forward... and she said part of her just wants to say, f*ck him. i don't need him. but then she thinks about how we aren't a family anymore, and how, in ways, we never were. and it's just this constant aching void. and though i can't be angry at him anymore, i can't help but think, *he* is the void. someone so empty that he won't even let his own children love him?! someone so vapid and despirited that he can't even away from his ego for the sake of his family? we were all in pain. we were all afraid. but he couldn't be strong for us when it mattered the most. our whole lives have been distilled to the fact that he has truly given himself away. and now everything up until now is showing, and he's being seen for who he really is... he's empty. he's a shell of his former self. he's just not there anymore. i might be able to pinpoint the exact moment when he died for me, if i had the courage. but it doesn't matter now. i can't be angry anymore. i can't hate him. i can only pray that we'll be strong enough to reveal to him what he has given up so easily. i was riding with jason, back to his house for movie night last night. we were talking about rose calling me. and he said to me, it's his loss. "he had two incredible daughters". he's been friends with rose for a long time. he knows how it's been for her. and that's what sucks. she can't bring herself not to care... and that's the only conclusion i can come to as of yet: indifference. because how can you hate someone that doesn't exist? how can you be angry with a ghost? but that's not what i want to feel. i want to love him for the man i know god intended him to be. before any of this happened. before life. i know that's the only way any of us can heal. but i don't know how i ever could be capable of such grace. to forgive is divine...
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GE [Oct. 27th, 2005|08:32 am]
shouldhaveknown
so i got a recommendation, a phone interview, and a pre-employment assessment at General Electric for a position at the call center that pays ten dollars plus per hour. yes please. my assessment is next tuesday. i have no idea who i'm going to use as a reference. i've got my godmother (my homeschooling teacher) and the receptionist at the vet clinic where i've worked, but they need at least three people that i've worked *with* not *for*. and i need to dress up and go up there at 6 on teusday. hopefully it isn't raining. i really really need this job. and i want it. because it comes with a salary and benifits. BENIFITS! can we say BRACES?! there are two more steps before they actually decide whether or not i'm qualified but what the hey it's worth a shot.
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moving out, moving on [Oct. 16th, 2005|11:00 am]
shouldhaveknown
[Current Mood |excitedexcited]
[Current Music |buildings and bridges - ani difranco]

things ameya and i need before moving out

-a bed
i just want a mattress on the floor like my futon at kevin's house.
-sheets
crimson cuz everything will be indian at ameya's house
-lamps.
just one or two cuz i read and write and crochet a lot.
-a table.
because i love to cook and i want to have people over
all the time for dinner like at jimmy & johns.
we could probably hit st. francis for this.
-cooking stuff.
see above; re: dinner
-flatware and a dining set
we could go to the dollar tree or thrift store
for these because we'll be washing everything
by hand anyway,
-a couch.
st francis!!!
-curtains
just a few because there will only be a few windows.
i could make some myself. :o)

i think that's all i had in mind. i really want a trunk, too. i like trunks. and i don't have a drresser. but these apartments have walk in closets so i doubt i'll need one. i can't wait to have more space!! it will be a chance for us to get rid of a lot of stuff, and make room for a lot of stuff. and everything will be wonderful...
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good people [Oct. 12th, 2005|10:15 am]
shouldhaveknown
[Current Mood |awake]
[Current Music |angry anymore- ani]

i have to work until 8 tonight. i go in at 12. so i think i'm going to catch about the last five minutes of gospel study. which normally wouldn't bother me but this week was much more old-testement oriented and i'm thoroughly confused. oh well.

stitches of love was fun last night. we finished and blessed what we're sending to the katrina victims. and christi and sam showed up!! that was cool. and she asked me if i read what paul wrote. of course i did and i really appreciated it. but sometimes i think that i vent so much on my livejournal that my life sounds way worse than it actually is. cuz i'm so blessed to have ameya and her family. i really am. and i can't wait until christmas. i love christmas with norma and fred and all of the family.

i went down to sinclair yesterday and they told me that because i filled out my fafsa with my dad's information and he won't sign it so that i can recieve my financial aid that i have to wait to re-apply next year after i file my taxes. which is about four months from now. i think i might start next fall. and after my financial aid runs out i'll just start taking out loans. but in between now and febuary i am going to get an apartment with ameya and carmen. carmen is our penpal from arizona who we've been corresponding with for years. she's really unhappy at ASU and wants to move here and go to sinclair. which is cool. we'd all be living off of rice and ramen but we'd be happy. we're looking at moving in decemberish. that sounds good.

we'll see how it goes.
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THE BEDSIDE DRAMA (a petite tragedy) [Oct. 2nd, 2005|05:01 pm]
shouldhaveknown
[Current Mood |complacentcomplacent]
[Current Music |"what you wish for" guster]




yeah well...

went to vegan jason's and watched trainspotting. when i got home sandy was like "ooh is that your new boyfriend" and i was like "he's as old as my oldest brother." and sandy said "well that doesn't matter, how old is he twenty two? twenty three?" and i'm like he's thirty. and she's like OH... hehe. yeah he doesn't look that old. he's a friend of rosie's and mine. going out for falafel was good. it was most tastey. we came back to his house and watched trainspotting. it was a great movie. simon, his three footed cat, was being sweet and snuggly. brian didn't come because he's missing. his family can't get a hold of him. i think he got drunk and lost his phone. here's hoping, right? he didn't even show up for work today.
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we generate our own kind of light... [Oct. 1st, 2005|09:14 pm]
shouldhaveknown
[Current Music |"linger" ani difranco]

.... to compensate for the lack of light from above.



went out and had a slap happy time with miss sara. i think she might have gotten a little annoyed with my bole chudiyan though. she's a really good chudiya detector rhough. wherever we go she finds awesome bangles. mey will be pleased upon her return.

i am so fricking tired. josh was really nice to me today. he said he'd make me full time. which means tuition reimbursement in a year. which means school even sooner. which means a life. whihc is kind of scary if i can bring myself to go through with it. the new girl, jaynee (jinn-AY) is really nice. she let me run to the bank before i left.

kevin called me today. to ask me if i was coming to dad's for christmas. but i'm sorry. somebody that you only see when you happen to pass each other on the street, someone you might wave to in passing, is not family. why would i see my dad once a year? why just one day out of the whole year. i am his daughter every day. and he gets to pick when he wants to act like my father? i don't think so. to do so would not only be a draining waste of time, it would mean surrendering my right to financial aid, FAFSA wise. and of course he got mad at me. and why the hell are we talking about christmas anyway??? it's not even haloween. it's a month shy of halloween. yet everyoone's got all of their decorations up!! where'd thanksgiving go? nobody's even talking about thanksgiving. whatever.

i remember a time when i didn't know why everybody gave presents on christmas. i remember knowing the story of the north pole better than the nativity. but i guess that's not uncommon... whatever.

i reaally miss damion. i don't know why. it makes me so sad to see him. god, i love him. i remember him when he was so small and so silent. he never cried as a baby. i remember him when he started to crawl and stand and walk and dance. i remember sharing my lollypop with him in krogers. he'd just learned how to give kisses and i had a lollypop and i kept giving him smooches and he kept licking his lips and reaching for me again and it was about the fifth kiss before i realised why he was being so smoochy.

but he's turned into some spinny-eyed tv junky. he knows how to operate a PS2 to where he can beat me at ever racing game i've ever played but he can't tie his shoes. all he eats is chicken pizza and sugary cereal. my brother basically ignores him. it's really depressing. it makes me never want to have children out of the fear that mine might be in a similar situation. similar in any way to his. but i bought him a dinosaur tonight because he's secretly fascinated with paleantology and bones and dirt and archaeology and biology nd aeronautics. he likes digging and bugs and fish and cats and kites and spaceships and stars and all kinds of things that kids his age should fall in love with. he just doesn't see much of it because no one gives him the time. he didn't even talk until he was two years old because no one really conversed with him but me. and we didn't really converse. i just kind of sang to him.

i wanted to babysit for him tomorrow but i forgot that jason wanted to take me for falafel. and there's movie night. and also tomorrow at church there's this thing for stitches of love. and i've got my crocheting to take in. and i might even sit in on a service.

gospel study's going well. but i still have a lot of issues with the bible. i feel like the rest of the group thinks i'm kind of existential. they might have looked at me funny when i was talking about jesus not having a body or looking like everyone else... but i think that about every major religious figure. i think they've all rejoined the mystery. i have an extremely jungian view of god these days. and i don't know whether or not that might conflict with what i'm supposed to be getting from this. but it can't hurt...

i don't know what i would really want to do with my education. except go help people who would appreciate all of the options that i have infinately more than i do here and now. at least enough to make a fucking decision. or maybe it's the exhaustion talking and i'm too tired to admit that i am failing.
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insubordination [Sep. 27th, 2005|06:13 pm]
shouldhaveknown
[Current Mood |amusedamused]
[Current Music |"tim i wish you were a girl" of montreal]

the gates of hades swung wide and from the abyss came donna, our new assistant manager at speedway. ahh, what a nazi. she made brian stay at speedway until 12:30 in the morning last night. he goes to WSU full time and had homework and instead of doing it he was stuck at store 1036 dissassembling and sterilizing the cappucino machine, stocking the cooler and filling every last rack of ciggarettes full before he could go home. word has it (not that words are worth much) that she was tranferred to our store to make everyone want to quit so that the district manager can hire all new staff. well if that's the case BP is hiring in at 8.25 an hour. but that's really not the point. she has no right to mistreat the people who have worked at 1036 longer than she has. she is extremely inconsiderate to the schedule we have and i am disappointed that she would go as far as she has to find such trivial things to harrass the staff for. if she wants to play like that that's fine, but i, for one, am not going to submit to her. they'll have to fire me. because it's convenient to walk to work there. and i like the other people that i work with. as a matter of fact, i like a lot of the people that come in everyday. and she's a year older than me. and i get along fine with josh and i guess with alma, because so far donna hasn't done anything to make me feel uncomfortable. but still. i like brian and i love brittany and i don't think she should treat them like trained monkeys. even though we get paid like that's what we are. i can't wait until the next store meeting. i hope a fight breaks out jerry springer style. because i'm behind the short wall. so if somebody throws a chair i won't get hit. and if people start cussing it will be bleeped out. and i'll laugh. because i'm god. ahh, duality.
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the monday night movie club [Sep. 17th, 2005|07:47 pm]
shouldhaveknown
[Current Mood |amusedamused]
[Current Music |grandaddy- lost on yer merry way]

so we were at speedway the other night talking about movies because i had just seen lock stock and two smoking barrels. i just like guy movies i guess. we were tossing around snatch and fightclub references, playfully. and it was fun. so we just kept coming up with more and more awesome movies we'd seen until finally Jason was just like "We need to have movie night." and so monday night, Brinco, Jason and I are having Monday Night Movie Club at Jason's house. because it's fun. yay. River has friends.
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today [Sep. 10th, 2005|12:42 am]
shouldhaveknown
[Current Mood |okayokay]
[Current Music |welcome to:]

ever have one of those days when you just wake up and say to yourself, "oh. so this is what it feels like to be held under water..." that's every day for about the past three years for me. 

i can feel myself slowly slipping away into this din of complete disbelief. in myself. and in the people that i love. contrary to what my life looks like right now i am an extremely perserverant, dedicated individual. i keep the friends i make. the things that i'm interested in right now are things that i have always loved and pursued. my struggles to learn a second language and my fears of leaving all of this behind are finally falling away, i'm breaking through that place where my life caved in... exactly two years ago tonight. 

through all of the getting by that's gotten me here i have pretty much maintained my passions. but my will to pursue them is waning. i can't convey how... ...dim... i feel right now. like a fading star. like i've been dead for quite a while and i'm just now discovering that these past few years were all pretend... it seems like they were all for nothing. i keep hearing this theory. that the universe is curved and borderless, and that we live lifetimes within it, and fight our way through the same situations until we get it right and make it through gracefully... but until we fall in line with that grace we are doomed to repeat the same mistakes we always make lifetime after lifetime... forever. maybe it's karma. maybe it's fate. 

i'm afraid. of so many things. i'm afraid of jumping in with both feet. i'm afraid of getting out on my own just to find, yet again, that i am actually alone. (why am i always the last to know?) i know that it doesn't matter anyway. i know and i feel that the god in me doesn't take into account what it could cost. i know that it doesn't really matter whether this endeavor leads me back to the same beginning. because if i love and believe in myself and in the best friend i've ever had, who has never given me a reason not to believe that everything will happen exactly as it's meant to... i know and i feel that this is right. 

but will that change this ridiculous exterior i've sheltered myself within for the past three years...? who knows... maybe it's been forever. can i let this go? i'm so tired of giving up there's not even shame in it anymore. there's just this constant aching exhaustion that i walk with. and suddenly i understand how old my sister feels. but i can't tell you how i really feel. not to your face. because that would take something from me that i don't believe i'm ready to give away. 

i can't tell you that i love you, that i feel what you're feeling and that your sadness doesn't detract from my quality of life, but sharpens my perception of it. i can't tell you that i feel closer to you than my family, than my second family, the people who "knew" me best. i can't tell you that i love you, that you're my sister, or that i want to face the world with you. because that would mean admitting that we are both flawed and scarred and at the mercy of all the power that we possess. that would mean admitting that we are victims only of our own intention. and up until now it's been so easy to blame our creators (and the absence thereof)...

i am sorry that i've become so distant and disinterested. i'm sorry i don't lend more energy to this. i don't want this to be who i am. but there is so much cruelty and such a lack of reciprocity in my history that it's going to take a lot to come back from it now. i have witnessed so many things that i wish i could wave a hand and wipe from my memory forever. but it's just a little more complex than that unfortunately. i'm struggling like you. i have people that i need to say goodbye to. i've forgiven them but it still lingers here. the fear of being abandoned again. it's like rahul said- "to make a stranger into your own, and then back into a stranger again ...in just one moment... you can't understand the pain."

but like that man at the concert was saying tonight, about god knowing you before you were born... because we are god i feel that you see that in me. and that you remember who i was before i was walking wounded. can you try to remember for me? that who i have become and who i say i am is so far from who we are... can you remember for me that i have to stop trying to hold onto this sadness, which is all i have left of the home i thought i had and tried to love... 

i have to believe that we are led to who we need and that we are meant to begin our lives together without them. because i don't really have anything else to believe in right now. an hour has past since i set out to write this and i hadn't even noticed. like i woke up this morning and it didn't even register that two years ago tonight i set this in motion. two years ago tonight i started coming clean about who i'm not. maybe it's time to reveal who i am? 
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