ever have one of those days when you just wake up and say to yourself,
"oh. so this is what it feels like to be held under water..."
that's every day for about the past three years for me.
i can feel myself slowly slipping away into this din of complete disbelief. in myself. and in the people that i love. contrary to what my life looks like right now i am an extremely perserverant, dedicated individual. i keep the friends i make. the things that i'm interested in right now are things that i have always loved and pursued. my struggles to learn a second language and my fears of leaving all of this behind are finally falling away, i'm breaking through that place where my life caved in... exactly two years ago tonight.
through all of the getting by that's gotten me here i have pretty much maintained my passions. but my will to pursue them is waning. i can't convey how... ...dim... i feel right now. like a fading star. like i've been dead for quite a while and i'm just now discovering that these past few years were all pretend... it seems like they were all for nothing. i keep hearing this theory. that the universe is curved and borderless, and that we live lifetimes within it, and fight our way through the same situations until we get it right and make it through gracefully... but until we fall in line with that grace we are doomed to repeat the same mistakes we always make lifetime after lifetime... forever. maybe it's karma. maybe it's fate.
i'm afraid. of so many things. i'm afraid of jumping in with both feet. i'm afraid of getting out on my own just to find, yet again, that i am actually alone. (why am i always the last to know?) i know that it doesn't matter anyway. i know and i feel that the god in me doesn't take into account what it could cost. i know that it doesn't really matter whether this endeavor leads me back to the same beginning. because if i love and believe in myself and in the best friend i've ever had, who has never given me a reason not to believe that everything will happen exactly as it's meant to... i know and i feel that this is right.
but will that change this ridiculous exterior i've sheltered myself within for the past three years...? who knows... maybe it's been forever. can i let this go? i'm so tired of giving up there's not even shame in it anymore. there's just this constant aching exhaustion that i walk with. and suddenly i understand how old my sister feels. but i can't tell you how i really feel. not to your face. because that would take something from me that i don't believe i'm ready to give away.
i can't tell you that i love you, that i feel what you're feeling and that your sadness doesn't detract from my quality of life, but sharpens my perception of it. i can't tell you that i feel closer to you than my family, than my second family, the people who "knew" me best. i can't tell you that i love you, that you're my sister, or that i want to face the world with you. because that would mean admitting that we are both flawed and scarred and at the mercy of all the power that we possess. that would mean admitting that we are victims only of our own intention. and up until now it's been so easy to blame our creators (and the absence thereof)...
i am sorry that i've become so distant and disinterested. i'm sorry i don't lend more energy to this. i don't want this to be who i am. but there is so much cruelty and such a lack of reciprocity in my history that it's going to take a lot to come back from it now. i have witnessed so many things that i wish i could wave a hand and wipe from my memory forever. but it's just a little more complex than that unfortunately. i'm struggling like you. i have people that i need to say goodbye to. i've forgiven them but it still lingers here. the fear of being abandoned again. it's like rahul said- "to make a stranger into your own, and then back into a stranger again ...in just one moment... you can't understand the pain."
but like that man at the concert was saying tonight, about god knowing you before you were born... because we are god i feel that you see that in me. and that you remember who i was before i was walking wounded. can you try to remember for me? that who i have become and who i say i am is so far from who we are... can you remember for me that i have to stop trying to hold onto this sadness, which is all i have left of the home i thought i had and tried to love...
i have to believe that we are led to who we need and that we are meant to begin our lives together without them. because i don't really have anything else to believe in right now. an hour has past since i set out to write this and i hadn't even noticed. like i woke up this morning and it didn't even register that two years ago tonight i set this in motion. two years ago tonight i started coming clean about who i'm not. maybe it's time to reveal who i am?